Robot Mountain

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Oh.

Oh my.

Matt Smigiel is straight killing it on the OHOTMUR, guys.

As you guys know I used to draw a fairly well received PRO-WRESTLING WEBCOMIC so when I got the chance to work on the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe Reduxe I felt like it would be a criminal mis-service to not insist on drawing the Super-Pro-Wrestlers of the Marvel Universe.  So I did.   

HERE ARE THE DISEMBODIED FLOATING HEADS OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE WRESTLERS!

Hank Pym, Adventure Scientist.

You are my hero.

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Hey I finally joined the elite group of art bros who are throwing up magic on the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe Reduxe.   it’s so much good stuff.   I’m super honored to be involved.

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ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Okay, Stilt-Man, explain yourself.

“Well, I’m a thief, and I have this exoskeleton that makes me really tall.  Like my legs are stitls.  Get it?”

Okay.

Why do you need to be tall?

“Because of…you know…uh…”

In comics books are banks on the top floors of very tall buildings?

“Well, no, but…”

You’re dead now, right?

“Uh, yeah.”

Thank God.

Further proof that early Daredevil villains may be the lamest of them all.

He’s tall, people.

Not a giant.    

Just…long legged.

Like the daddy long legs of villainy.  If daddy long legs weren’t spiders.    And only had two legs.

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ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

There’s lame and there’s lamer.  Princess Python got her start working for…wait for it…THE CIRCUS OF CRIME.

Yes.

The Circus of Crime.

What can she do?

She’s a snake charmer.   She has a really big snake.   The snake has no special powers, or abilities, it’s just a snake.

Oh, she’s kind of a whore, too. 

So she’s a *snake* charmer, if you know what I mean.   The whore thing isn’t really used criminally, though.  It’s just her way.

Circus of Crime.

Circus of Crime is lame enough I could’ve used them for most of these letters.   Here’s the members, you can imagine their lameness by their names alone:  Ringmaster, The Clown, The Human Cannonball, Bluto the Strongman, The Great Gambonnos and Live Wire.

She also joined the Serpeant Society (because it’s a snake themed team, and presumably, they needed a lady).  Who aren’t as lame as The Circus of Crime, but she was totally their weak link - in fact, I think she frequently fell in love with their adversary and turned on the Society a couple of times.

Oh yeah, and apparently she was married to Stilt-Man, and then The Gibbon.   I mean, you might as well just kill yourself.

Oh, hold on.  I kid you not, Princess and her Circus of Crime compatriots, as a group, were defeated by Howard the Duck.

TWICE!

::absinthe::

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ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Okay, so he was designed by Bill Sienkowicz, so when drawn by him he…okay, he still looks ridiculous, but he looks stylized ridiculous.

Let’s see if I can work this out. It’s not easy.

Legion is Professor X’s illegitimate son so he’s massively super brain powered. But he’s ape shit nuts. Back when I was reading he had three personalities and each one controlled a different brain power (I’m a little Cyndi, I have pyrokinetic powers!). Are you getting this? Illegitimate son with multiple personalities?

UGH.

Super soap opera.

Frankly he’s done stuff as a an attempted X-Man nemesis which is a big old mess involving time travel (yeah, he can do that), and psi-blades, and more and more personalities and absorbing people’s brains or something. I mean, he’s a total mess.

He’s got Kidd and Play hair!

Stay away from Legion.

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ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Klaw is another villain that really isn’t all that bad - though he is, primarily, nemesis to Black Panther, who despite his awesomeness is sort of a second rate hero.

Klaw’s been in version of the Masters of Evil fighting the Avengers and Frightful Four fighting the Fantastic Four. He’s been around, he’s mixed it up.

Okay, here’s the thing.

He’s made out of sound.

He’s a dude that’s made out of sound.

And that thing on his hand? He shoots sounds at you.

He’s a sound guy.

Lame.

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ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Okay, so it’s pretty hard to be a street level villain in a super hero world and not be a little lame to begin with. Sure, there are exceptions, but, you know, not really. Think about it.

You know, deep down, you don’t really take Kingpin seriously, and he’s done some really messed up stuff. And he messes up guys WITH powers.

Okay, Hammerhead is like a poor man’s Kingpin. Except he’s got a flat head with metal in it. That’s right. He has a hammer head. And he’s a poor man’s Kingpin. He’s not even, really, a very good super hero mafia leader.

He teamed up with Chameleon…when CHAMELEON was trying to be Mafia Kingpin. HE WAS PLAYING SECOND FIDDLE TO CHAMELEON.

In a desperate attempt to de-lame him, they’ve recently given him the Wolverine-Entire-Skeleton-Is-Metal treatment.

Sorry, Hammerhead. Still lame.

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ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

You know, I’m going to be honest. The Fixer isn’t all *that* lame.

Okay, so originally he ran around with Mentallo (Lame enough to make this list, but didn’t) and fought the Micronauts. Lame-ish.

He was frequently Baron Zemo’s No. 2 in the Masters of Evil - he’s put a hurt at one time or another on Captain America, NIck Fury, The Thing, The Black Knight. I mean, sure, he just has a bunch of gadgets but, well, they’re good gadgets.

Later on when he joined the Fake-Good-Guys-But-Really-Bad-Guys group The Thunderbolts he became Techno and acquired a truly horrendous outfit. And he did great evils. Then he became a robot and became even more evil. Nothing as evil as that outfit, though.

Here he is. The Fabulous Fixer.